When a good friend crosses a boundary, your partner says something hurtful, or it seems like your boss is taking advantage of your working relationship and loading on the demands, what can you do without jeopardizing the entire relationship?
Although uncomfortable, interpersonal conflict can be a point of tremendous growth. In fact, it is a crucial ingredient for intimacy. We are often very aware of when we have an issue to address with someone else, but not having the tools to speak about it can lead to major problems. Even worse, some people avoid having important conversations completely. Here are a few tips I’ve found very useful for communication, based on The Haven Communication Model*.
- Ask Permission to Have a Conversation.
Effective communication involves two present parties. If the person you approach is unable to speak at that current time, ask to schedule a time that will work. Nobody appreciates being bombarded, especially when there is the potential for the interaction to become emotionally charged. Both parties will be more willing to listen when they feel respected.
2. Focus on One Issue at a Time.
Although it may be tempting in the heat of the conversation to dig up old evidence of past wrongdoings, resist the impulse. Clear the current issue, giving both parties an opportunity to speak and feel complete. If something else comes up, go back to the previous step and ask for permission to talk about something new. Again, this might mean scheduling a different time to speak.
3. Sharing is Caring. Dumping is Gross.
A conversation involves at least two people; each with their own unique experiences, biases, and feelings. Be prepared to enter the conversation with curiosity as to what is happening with the other party. In communication, there needs to be an open back-and-fourth atmosphere for things to progress. If your only intention is to unload your feelings onto the other party and “show them how you feel”… don’t. Take your own time and space to move through the feelings of anger and injustice, but leave them behind when it comes time to meet.
Maintaining any kind of relationship involves working together, and facing issues with as an exploratory team with lots of curiosity. We can often underestimate the work involved in communication and relating to others clearly. However, it is through these challenging conversations that we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and the people in our lives who matter most.
Was this helpful? You will have the chance to explore more and begin to examine the question…‘How do we have relationships that work?’ at the upcoming April 8/9 Haven Communication and Relationship Toolkits in downtown Vancouver.
*The Haven Institute (www.haven.ca). Authorship 1992 Wong and McKeen. Permission is granted by the The Haven Institute (the Owner) to reproduce, adapt and present this work for any private use provided always that any such reproduction, adaptation or presentation shall include this statement. All other rights reserved.
The Haven is dedicated to helping people build richer relationships with others and themselves. With a centre on Gabriola Island, BC Canada our not-for-profit experiential educational organization offers transformational learning experiences in group settings, and programs in the art and science of living well, together.