“What you find in the mirror you will find in the reality it mirrors.” ― William Barrett
Perhaps you are familiar with the phrase “it takes one to know one”? A tiny statement that neatly summarizes the concept of projection; a process of denying ourselves by identifying our own traits in another person.
Working with projection is freeing. Exploring the labels and expectations we place on others gives us the freedom to identify and evaluate which biases, beliefs, and thoughts maintain our best interests and purpose.
But reclaiming ownership of these qualities is not for the faint of heart. It requires the courage to step into the discomfort of facing and accepting your entire self. You must be willing to entertain the notion that all the reasons we hate or love another person are, in fact, deeply embedded within our own reflection.
So where and when do we start this process? It turns out that every relationship and interaction involves projection. One cue indicating it might be a good time to explore projection involves noticing your judgements and feelings (especially the strong ones) about someone else.
The Mechanics of Projection
By virtue of being human, we have the potential to embody an overwhelmingly large range of qualities. We have the potential to be kind, lazy, intelligent, inconsiderate, timid, forgiving, creative, ditzy, pessimistic, extroverted, and even violent.
Based on our interpretation of social rules, experience with consequences, and watching others, we begin to construct a personality which leans toward embracing and displaying qualities that have been positively reinforced.
We tend to seek relationships with those who appear to have perfected certain “good” qualities (ones that we often find ourselves striving for), and deny and avoid individuals who portray the ones we deem to be “bad”.
Yet this entire range of traits continues to exist within ourselves.
Projection in Action
Recognizing that someone else is being a inconsiderate jerk means that your inner inconsiderate jerk has started to resonate… perhaps it’s jumping up and down, yelling “Heeeeyyy! I know this dude!”.
Having internalized the belief that putting yourself before others is bad, we start to become uncomfortable with this resonance. The urge to get away from this person becomes stronger and stronger.
But here is the trick: rather than fleeing and developing an intense dislike for this jerk, this moment is a prime opportunity to ask yourself a few questions:
- Where did I learn that putting myself before others is bad?
- Is it always bad to put myself first?
- Am I accurately equating being assertive with being mean/a jerk?
- Am I asserting my own needs enough?
- Are there areas in my life where I can be more assertive?
Chances are, you might become aware of a longing to honour yourself more often. What you do with this insight going forward is then entirely your choice.
On the other hand, being enamoured or in awe of someone else may also be highlighting your desire to awaken a certain inner quality that has been lying dormant. Ask yourself the following:
- What qualities (eg. humour, success, patience, intelligence) am I noticing in others?
- Am I seeking proximity to these qualities through another person, when I could nurture them within myself?
The fantastic thing about projection is that we call on it for insight at any time. The next time you’re walking down the street, take notice of your reactions toward others. Even the slightest flicker of emotion or judgement can help us gain clarity on who we really are.